Dear People Who "Reply All" to Emails,

Thank you so much for sharing your response with every single recipient of an email. It's so great to have my blackberry buzz all day long and see messages from people I have never heard of with details about their weekend plans. I mean, how exciting! I have never met you but I know that you can't make the birthday party because you have to go to Portland to visit your uncle who broke his leg. My life would be incomplete without knowing such interesting things. If I'm really lucky I get to witness an entire dialogue between several of you. The back and forth updates just make my day-or several days if the moon and stars are really aligned. This week, someone has been looking out for me because I've had THREE separate emails with so many people replying to all. Thanks God. You really know how to make me happy.

Dear Ice Cream Man on My Block,

NOBODY wants ice cream on North Genesee Avenue so stop ringing that fing bell up and down my street on the weekends! What about investing in an actual ice cream truck? I don't trust anyone selling ice cream from a cart ringing a bell.

Dear Bob H.,

Watching you yell at fat people run in the sand on The Biggest Loser is motivating me to wake up early and go to the gym. I LOVE that you teach spin class at my gym on Saturday mornings. At first I was really excited to have a class that was so amazing. Then, when I saw you on Oprah--I was sure it was LOVE. But I wish that you would talk to me for longer when I stalk you after class to tell you how amazing I think you are and ask you about carbs. Anyway, I miss you and I'll see you this Saturday. Maybe I'll ask you to be my personal trainer. Something to think about. But I don't like being yelled at. I'm pretty sure that would make me cry and eat chocolate. In that order.

Dear Target Shoppers,

This is not Magic Mountain or a playground for your kids. And aren't we in an economic crisis? How can you afford to fill your cart to the brim with crap you don't need?

Elevator Etiquette

You would think that riding in an elevator is sufficiently self-explanatory, but apparently it is not. I am fed up with the lack of etiquette that people display when it comes to elevators. I have come up with a list of 10 basic rules of etiquette for elevator riding. Follow these rules and you won't be in danger of getting your head banged against the wall:

1. If you are walking up to an elevator with people in it, do not run up to get on and hold the door open, wait for the next one. This is ESPECIALLY true where there is more than one elevator.

2. If you are on the elevator with others and someone is walking up to the elevator as the doors are about to close, do not stick your foot (or umbrella/book/whatever) to hold the door open for the person. There are 3 other elevators that person can get on. She'll be fine. Let go.

3. Your cell phone does NOT WORK on the elevator so get off of it before you get on. And don't pretend that you are still talking after your phone has cut out.

4. If you have 3 loud kids who want to jump when the elevator arrives at each floor, wait until you can get on the elevator without others being in there with you.

5. If you are with others on the elevator, save your private conversation until you get off. It will only last 30 seconds and that way, no one has to know about how "he didn't call you last night."

6. Allow some PERSONAL SPACE between you and others on the elevator. If you squeeze on and we are touching, you should have waited until the next elevator. Also, if there is plenty of space on the elevator, MOVE OVER. You do not have to stand directly in front of someone else.

7. It is not necessary for you to fill the silence.

8. Do not ask strangers where they are coming from or where they are going.

9. If you smell bad, take the stairs.

10. Know where you are going so that you don't push the buttons for more than one floor.

Dear Guy on the Stairmaster Next To Me,

I cannot even begin to comprehend why you thought it would be okay for you to tell me to "slow down" on my machine. I thought it was pretty annoying that you spent half of your workout stairing at MY monitor to see what level I was on. But I still minded my own business. But you couldn't just stop at that. You had to actually stop me during my workout to tell me to slow down. Wow. What could possibly make you think it would be okay to do that? Were you trying to be helpful? You have no idea what my workout is about. Look Vache, if you want to go at a snail's pace and stay fat, that's fine. Just don't drag others down with you.

Dear Girl Driving Her 50's Mustang,

Are you a character in a movie? I couldn't help but notice your hair in a proper bun, pearl earrings and of course, chiffon white collared shirt. I didn't realize that driving a car from the 50s meant that you had to dress from that era as well. Oh, let me guess. You buy everything vintage, you are anti anything "trendy" but you still live near melrose/fairfax and buy your groceries at Whole Foods. So original.