Dear _______,

Dear Guy at Bar Lubitch that dresses and acts like Jesus, I think it's really cool that you have shoulder length hair and a beard and wear a white v-neck t-shirt and a cross around your neck and lean effortlessly against the bar as you make gentle movements. Then, when I tell you that you look like Jesus you respond: "Thanks. I've never heard that before" in a completely sarcastic tone. Wow. So you have heard that before? So you actually go around LA playing the part? You took LA egocentrism to a WHOLE new level. You superceded what I thought was possible in this town. Way to set the bar.
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Dear Girl in the Hosiery department at Nordstrom, thanks for helping me find some cool tights and not laughing at any of my jokes. Your seriousness in the most quiet department of the store did not make me uncomfortable at all...
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Dear Lady returning her shoes at Norstrom, thank you for putting on the biggest scene imaginable after the store manager explained to you that the $379 designer shoes you bought and wore were not refundable. I think the fact that you were yelling at the top of your lungs was a good tactic to get your money refunded and pull the same scheme with a different pair of shoes all over again. Nice work.
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Dear Mercedes Driver who would not let me get over this morning on 6th when I was stuck behind a bus and you were trying to stick to the car in front of you just to push ahead when I was actually there before you, I really had to cut you off because you saw me and you were being a jerk. But your silver mercedes is really shiny.
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Dear Guy on the elevator who pushed 21 and 22, Thanks.
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Dear Guy who texted me the other night: "I remember u being hot but I forget what u look like, send me pics." Does this tactic actually work for you? Also, stop sending me late night texts. I am not interested.